Set Fire to The Rain

Where is everyone when I’m sad and lonely and in need of a friend? I’m sitting here at 2:30am and I can’t sleep because I’m so anxious. I ate WAY too much sugar tonight and it’s really messing with me. It might also be that I started my period. I just had some pretty rough sex with my husband and I”m bleeding a lot, but I can’t tell if it’s from the rough sex or because I started my period.

I’m sad. This is a sad post. How lame. Woe is me, sitting in my warm house with a belly full of junk food.

I wish I could see my sister.

I wish I wasn’t such a coward, for all that I talk about telling people how you feel, and being open and communicating.

It was recently divulged to me that I’m a bully and an asshole and that my husband and best friend sat together and shared a meal and talked about how pushy and mean I am. My sister jumped in on that within a few days of that conversation and suddenly I’m the unintentional asshole who’s so oblivious that I can’t help but hurt people and drive them away.

I’m a shitty friend. A really, awful, shitty friend. No one had to tell me that though. I came to that conclusion on my own. I feel bad, because, I don’t know how to end it. It’ll kill her. But I owe it to her, don’t I? I owe it to tell her that I only talk cruelly about her behind her back? That I don’t respect her? That her constant attitude is a giant disappointment and I can’t stand to watch her mopey face any longer? I owe it to her to be a better friend. But she’s crossed a line, and now I don’t know how to proceed.

I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to hang out with her. I don’t even want to officially end it, I just want us to drift apart and that makes me a coward.

I knew that she and my husband were sending naughty texts. He told me everything, and that was fine. It became not fine when she asked him to keep it secret from me. She would willingly enter into a sexting (fuck, I hate the term sexting) relationship with my husband and demand he keep it a secret from me. As if she’s stupid enough to think he would keep something like that from me. Our relationship is solid, or at least it was.

I’ve never been a jealous person, but when my husband is attracted to the distinctive stench of her desperation, what does that say about me? I know he loves me, but I’m deeply hurt. He talked about her while we had sex tonight and it was all I could do not to cry. He thought we were being sexy and dirty talking.
I told him afterwards that I would appreciate it if he never brought her up during sex again. It grosses me out and infuriates me.

Who knew that this is what jealousy feels like?

The worst part is, when I told him that I hate it when he paws at her, his response was, “well I paw at you just as much, if not more.”

But you’re supposed to paw ONLY at me! I’m your wife!

I had a lot of partners in my youth. A lot. I’ve had lots of life experience and I told him I was worried that he would end up resenting me since I’m his only partner. He told me that would never happen. Only, now it’s happened.

We’ve had the occasional threesome, even group sex once. It was fun, but right now I’m not interested in that. He wants to make out with all my friends and see their tits and it just makes me feel like, what the hell, what about my tits? “I married you, didn’t I?”

Yeah, that makes it all better, then, doesn’t it.

I’ve been bored with our sex life for a long time now, because I feel like he’s not overly passionate, not willing to explore more, with kissing, feelings, massages, tantric, anything. Oh sure, he’s passionate, we have intense sex, but there’s something missing. We both acknowledge it, but neither of us can explain it. We can’t figure it out.

I feel heartbroken, heartsick. It hurts. It feels like breaking up.

“There’s a side to you that I never knew, never knew, all the things you’d say were never true, never true..” -Adele

 

 

Surprises…

The wedding is coming along nicely.

My sister will be there. I’m so happy that she’s coming. When I found out she was making the trip from Vancouver, I cried so hard that Martin came running up the stairs to see what the matter was. It was pretty epic.

The bouquets arrived today, from The Silk Canopy. Marie ordered them because I guess she was doing this guy’s website and got a good deal or something. I would imagine even then they cost a pretty penny. I’ll possibly post some pictures tomorrow of the bouquet because the one that my mom sent via her phone was so crappy and out of focus it was almost embarrassing.

I’m calling my mom now about the rings. Apparently I’m still not allowed to know when they’ll be ready because my mom is keen on surprises. Which is really bugging me. My mom means well, but all these ‘surprises’ are irritating. I would like to be in charge of things for my wedding.

They had to cave on the surprise of my sister coming to town. I cried and was ready to start collecting money from everyone I knew to get her here for the wedding. Finally Marie told me that she had her plane ticket booked the minute we confirmed with Martin’s dad that the 25th worked for him.

I just found out about the bouquets yesterday. I’m so excited! I’m heading over to my mom’s now to see them! I’ll take some pictures of them and post them when I get back!

Soul Crusher!

I smell yummy. Like popcorn and broken hearts.

I just watched the movie My Sister’s Keeper. It should have been called Soul Crusher! I watched it as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister. I watched it and I wept because it’s about a family with two daughters and a son. And one of the daughters is dying of cancer.

I empathized with the mother, and why she made the choices she made. I understand why she was a little psycho and I know why she couldn’t let go.

I wept for almost the entire movie. The most poignant parts for me were the parts that dealt with first love. The kiss, the dance and, inevitably, heart crushing death. “We did it and he didn’t even call me!” Sorry dear, that’s because he’s dead.

As a sister, I would do anything for my sister. I would climb mountains and give her my kidneys. I would do anything for her, even let her die, if she asked. All I want to do right now is call Marie and cry and tell her how much I love her.

Martin and I went into the kids’ rooms after the movie, and I tucked each of them in, and I kissed their little cheeks and I cried. I cried seeing Rowan’s nearly bald head and thinking what would I do if it was one of my babies? What would I do if one of them had incurable cancer? Obviously I would do what a mother has to do, but for the love of all that is holy, that movie destroyed me.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go call my sister.

26 Days…

Martin and I are getting married on June 25th, at 7pm.

We’re going downtown to city hall and we’re going to get it over with. We’re still arguing about the rings, but for now, that’s too fucking bad.

My parents are hosting the reception at their place. We’ve invited a lot of people and I can’t wait to party!

My mom is giving me a ring that she had that has rare stones in it. It’s beautiful and right now it’s at the jeweler being sized. I picked out Martin’s wedding band and it’s really nice. It’s just a simple, small, white gold band. My mom told after the fact that was having a white gold wedding band made for me to fit the ring she gave me.

Martin was pissed about that because he thinks having two rings is stupid. I told him that I was going to wear the two rings for a little while, then I would take off the ‘engagement’ ring and just wear the band. That way, we’ll both be happy.

The ‘engagement’ ring will be ready just days before the wedding, so it will be an incredibly short engagement. I just hope that Martin will take the ring and do something cute for me for a proposal. It scares me to think that my mom will give him the ring and he’ll just put it on my finger and that will be all. I really would like something simple to show he put some thought into it. Like a bike ride down by the river with the kids or snuggled in bed some night after he’s lit some candles. Something. I’m afraid that he hates the idea of two rings so much that it’ll just piss him off to put that engagement ring (that he didn’t even have to pay for!) on my finger.

I have my dress and shoes, the girls have their dresses and shoes, Martin has his suit, (and gawd damn he looks incredible!) city hall is booked, the invitations have been sent out. It’s all coming together and I couldn’t be happier. I love Martin and I love the life we live together. We’re in this for the long haul and I couldn’t be happier. Even with all this ring bullshit.

Thank You, Universe!

Dear Universe,

Thank you for giving my exhausted body a rest.

Rowan slept from 8pm to 8:10am. I slept the whole night through and I’m amazed at how much my mood has changed from last night. I’m well rested and I feel better equipped to handle whatever this day throws at me.

My mom mentioned getting married to me. She said that Martin and I should just go down to city hall and get’r done. My mom has a ring for me and it’s beautiful. It just needs to get sized. I told Martin I would buy him his wedding band as our wedding gift. And while my mother said they wouldn’t mind hosting a small reception at their place, Martin mentioned that his parents could probably rent out their sailing club. Really, all we need to do is pick a date.

I was hoping we could do it in July, but I just don’t think that’s going to work. Marianne is getting married on the 17th, Willow and my parents are leaving on the 24th. I know Amanda is coming back from Scotland in July and I think it would be great if she could be at our wedding. Maybe I’ll ask Marianne if she would mind if we got married the week before her. I just don’t want to be tacky…and that seems like it would be a little bit tacky.

Martin says he doesn’t want this to be rushed, and neither do I, but I just want it to be done. We’ve already started our lives together, I just want the official “we’re married” papers.

We talked about getting married on October 29th and then having the reception (a costume ball!) on the 30th. But October is already such a busy month. Willow’s birthday, Martin’s Birthday, our anniversary, Rowan’s birthday. It’s the month after school starts so it will always be a broke month. I think a summer wedding would be beautiful. I guess I’ll get a hold of Amanda and see when she’ll be back in Canada and work from there.

Sigh. I hope this all comes together.

Hard Knock Life

Martin fell and cracked his fibula bone on Sunday.

We went for a 3km hike in Gatineau Park and by the time we got to the end, the kids were getting fussy and exhausted. Martin offered to run back and get the car. Less than a kilometer back to the car and he slipped/tripped/fell and cracked his fibula bone. He continued to run the rest of the way to the car.

By the time we got home, it looked like he had a baseball lump of swelling hanging off his ankle. It was gross. Now it’s toned down a bit, but his ankle is covered with a really pretty deep purple bruise. It’s gross.

Unfortunately that means that I’m left doing everything around the house. He can’t even get up to get himself a glass of water. Well, he can, but it requires so much effort and pain that it’s just easier if I do it for him.

I’m finding it really hard because where normally he can help hold the baby or hang out with River, it’s harder for him because he just doesn’t have the mobility.

For the first time in my life I feel like going to bed before 11pm. In fact, just writing about my bed is making want to run upstairs, curl up with a silly book (currently the second part of a trilogy, Heaven and Earth, by Nora Roberts) and read myself into a coma. I’d also like the baby to sleep all night and late into tomorrow morning. Also, I’d like a million dollars.

Martin’s been talking about how his job is stressing him out. When we were on our hike, he brought up a course at the Perth campus of Algonquin college that I had asked him ages ago if I could take. It was a course to become an outdoor adventure naturalist. Obviously since it’s almost an hour away from our house and we had (at the time) only two kids, there was no feasible way for me to take it.

Then he was asking me what sort of qualifications he might need if he wanted to become a park ranger. I asked him if he was interested in applying with me and he said it would be really great if we worked together as a husband and wife team. I almost cried. I think this would be the most amazing thing ever. He said we could move out to the woods and work together in the boonies. I was elated. Until he told me not to go crazy about it.

Ugh. I want to go nuts about it. I want us to take a CPR/First Aid course, I want us to take level 1 ORCKA and I want to apply to be park wardens after we get back from New Orleans in September. I want to discuss it and plan it. I want to talk about it when we’re snuggling down for the night. I want to curl up with him and talk about a whole different life we could plan and end up living. I want us to come up with different ideas so we can come to a decision on when/how/where we want to live.

If we could both start at something like $40, 000 or $50, 000 then we could be more even on the home front. Martin wouldn’t be so stressed out and hopefully he’d start feeling better mentally. We could move out to the middle of nowhere in the forest and be surrounded by nature. It’s the life we always talk about but we never get to implement.

I want to move forward with this. I want us to get this stuff done but I’m afraid if I even talk about it, it will just piss Martin off. I figure if we could get jobs like this, and work here for a couple of years, then we could eventually apply for jobs in British Columbia. I wish I could talk about this in detail with someone. He mentioned it and it sounds like he’s serious, but if I bring it up and mention how excited I am, it’ll just shut him down.

My heart is soaring right now just thinking about it. I can’t wait to get a job and feel like I’m being a productive member of this family. I love my kids and I love staying home and taking care of them, but I hate worrying about the house all the goddam time. I hate cleaning and making sure all nine million articles of clothing we have are washed and folded and put in the right place. I hate having nine million single socks with no matches. I hate that as soon as I clean the kitchen, I have to cook dinner and the kitchen needs to be cleaned again. I hate that I’m becoming more forgetful and I think it’s because I have nothing that challenges me. (I don’t consider finding a way to keep my house a challenge, challenging, yes, but not a challenge.)

It’s been three days since Martin busted up his foot and I’m already exhausted because not only am I doing what I usually do, I’m looking after him and I don’t have his help after dinner with the kids.

He just told me right now that I should go to bed and it made me want to rip out my hair. It’s not like I can write during the day when I have the children! I just want to get all this off my chest, write my heart out and go to bed when *I* feel like it.

Now the baby is crying and it’s making me cringe.

Everyone, just go away and leave me alone. (Not actually, because life without my family is pretty boring…)

My Idyllic Life

I will have a big chunk of money left, after paying off all Martin and I’s debts. I will go to New Zealand and purchase a lovely trailer. It will be spacious enough to sleep the 5 of us, but not pompously so.

I don’t want to live in a trailer park, so we will live in this lovely trailer in the middle of a wide expanse of land.

We will be surrounded by mountains and warm breezes. We will all have bikes and it will be a good hour bike ride into the nearest town. I will bike the kids to school in the morning. During the day I will work at a horse farm, or a bike shop. I will make enough money to pay the taxes on my huge parcel of land. Martin will write or find a job doing something with cable.

On the weekends we will have bon fires with new friends we will make. We will drink fine New Zealand wine, perhaps Seleni The Triangle, a 2007 merlot from Hawkes Bay. We will drink and be merry and everyone will bring sleeping bags and spend the night under the stars.

On Saturdays, after the Friday night bonfire, we will bike into town and buy produce from the farmer’s market. We will eat fresh fish caught off the coast of New Zealand. In the afternoon’s we’ll go visit Amy, who lives in the city. She’ll show us around and we’ll eat at a nice restaurant. It will be a change of pace, a whole new life.

We’ll enjoy the accents of the people who live in New Zealand, the laid back lifestyle, the food and wines. Everything will be new and strange and exotic.

The sights alone are enough to make me cry. I want to live close to mountains. I want to live in warm weather, where it hardly, if ever, snows. I want to live around the world on a little island where the landscape is still intact and beautiful, and where the souls of the people aren’t circumcised.

This is my idyllic life, and I’m going to make it happen.