I dream of buckskin again. Soft, supple, leather smooth on my skin. The feeling of it enchants me. I imagine what it would be like to hunt the animal. The feeling of being a hunter, saying a prayer for the life of this majestic creature before I pull the trigger. Because in this time we use guns. Guns. I hate them, killing machines. The thought of killing for sport makes me sick. You would think with all the people who hunt deer there would be a huge availability of their hides. Instead they just let it go to the predators. Hunting for sport. What a waste.

I told my husband today that I wanted to get my hunting license. I don’t think he quite knew what to say.

When I hunt a deer I’ll use the whole animal. I’ll take the skin and use it to make moccasins and mittens. I’ll take the liver, the essence of the animal and I’ll revere it while I eat it. It will be pure and wild and I will take it into myself. I’ll feed my family for the winter with the meat. I will thank the animal for its life, for feeding me and my family.

I dream often of rubbing buckskin on my cheek. I close my eyes and feel the softness of it on my skin and it makes me so happy. I always dream of it in my hands, but never how it gets there. I’m in the field, in the forest, it’s quiet. The gun shot rings out loudly, startling birds, starting my soul in my chest.

But what am I supposed to do with a giant, dead deer in the middle of the woods? Often in my dreams I stand there, wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do next. Field dress it? I’ve never hunted before, but I feel like my soul knows hunting. I’ve done it before in a past life.

I was born in the wrong time. I should have been born as a Native American in pre-Columbus North America. That is where my heart and soul reside. In a time and place that no longer exists.

How many moccasins can I make with one deer  hide? How many mittens? How do I tan it? Who butchers it? How do I get this beast back to civilization?

This year I’m going hunting. I hope the Universe blesses me with a beautiful deer so I can feed my family. With a beautiful hide that to make moccasins with.